sunday

i wrote this story in my second year at varsity (1993), inspired by a boy i really liked.

Sunday

She awakens with the ringing of a phone, maybe in her dream, maybe in reality. After a while she realises it's in reality. Answers. Wrong number. Drags herself back to bed, stares at the ceiling, then the wall. Too much white. Switches the T.V. on with a remote control, flips from channel to channel, nothing to watch, nothing interesting. Leaves the T.V. on one channel, vegetates. Remembers. Last night.

The club, the band. They played, he was on stage, singing, performing, staring, seducing. Every single girl in the club was worshipping him. Then he dedicated a song. Only later did she realise it was to her. Only later still did she realise that he changed the lyrics. But her friends, sitting at a table at the back of the club heard it. "What did he say? Is it... our friend... are they...?" "They used to, sort of, long time ago..." Yes, long time ago he destroyed her, created her and called her just a friend. Slowly she recovered, till tonight. She might even have forgotten.

She switches the T.V. off, rolls over, scribbles something on a piece of paper... "Until I almost forgot your name..."

An angel almost walks into her room, just specks of angel-dust falls onto everything. A young girl sits playing with her dolls. The one's a rock star... She gets bored, drops everything and runs away. There's a crack in the wall. She stares at it, as if she notices it for the first time. It's bleeding, so it seems, green blood flowing from the crack in the wall... Think of ways to mend the hole, to make to whole again. Thoughts drift off, remember the first time she saw him...

The club is an interesting place. Someone once called it the most hectic place in the world, the people are freaks. Circus music. She dances in the middle of the floor, spotlit. Almost like a central attraction. Freakshow. She turns to get a drink, there he is. A distant sun rises behind him like a golden aura, a halo around his head. She blinks her eyes, he swings his hair and disappears. Touched, she goes and returns a week later...

Parties. Dreadful events. Crowds, meeting people with names and faces that don't match now, and won't ever match in the future. False smiles the whole night, like they expect something from you. Pretentious artists who want to paint you or write your life story or cast you, when they know you can do all those things yourself. "Have you read... have you seen... have you heard...?" and then you mention a name that they haven't heard before and they think it must be "totally uncool" because no-one's seen/heard/read it, or it must be radical, because you've seen/heard/read it. And they all want to get together sometime, to start a new publication, "let's publish..." And then around the corner someone shouts, "I want you to meet someone..." She goes, thinking it will be another one of them. Looking up she stares into the most angelic face she's ever seen in real life. She recognises him by the swing of his hair. Long blond hair falling over his muscular shoulders like a wig, eyes so sparkling they can't be real and features so white and perfect, they seem to be carved out of white marble, or cast in plaster of Paris. An angel flies over, more angeldust, covering him in a golden glitter. He speaks, she's dumbfounded and invited to his star appearance...

The shop is just about to close as she runs in and buys a book. A thick black book. And a pencil. Paying with her last money, she feels content. She sits down on the pavement, and starts to write. "disintegrating touch/ am i asking too much/ we are so good together/ like rain in stormy weather/ i wanted to ask/ i knew i must/ but my words/ crumbled to dust..."

"Until I almost forgot your name..." She places the piece of paper in the black book, now almost full and falling apart. Every single piece of writing in the book is for him, about him, dedicated to him or tearing him apart. Every night she dreams about him, every day she thinks about him. In the morning when she wakens, she'll read the poem she wrote about him the previous night, in the afternoon she'll draw or write something about him, read it at dusk, in the evening she'll write about him again. She used to go out, and meet with friends, write in the park, drink tea at a street café down the road, or walk around the block. Then she met him, and made friends with him, made something and lost him...

"Didn't I see you that one night at the club? You looked like an angel in the spotlight." He touches her heart with his soul. Angeldust falls from nowhere onto the scene in his memory, her spotlit dressed in white, covered in dust. The clouds part over them and a bright shaft of sunlight comes through, almost putting them in a spotlight. Later she's more comfortable, tells him her fears, he's more uncomfortable. She's like a young girl talking to her imaginary friend, and he's like a disinterested old man, thinking about things she won't understand. One day, she looks in the mirror, sees the image of him and her, see it change and shatter. The inevitable is to happen. The little girl sits on the side, playing with a doll, gets frustrated when it changes into a car, throws it down and runs away. They sit and talk again, his soul is turned away from her. Her heart breaks without him noticing. She cracks a joke, and laughs, while her soul wipes away the tears. Clouds form again, and it starts to rain over her. She runs away, soaking wet.

The memories of last night still haunt her. He changed the lyrics of the song he wrote for her. The song he wrote to break her heart... "Iron walls once more surround me... I feel smothered..." and now he's gone and changed the words..."I feel so guilty now... I feel the same as you...I'm so lonely" And he dedicated the song to her.

He's never dedicated a song to her. And he always dedicated songs to friends, in places where only friends went to listen to them... Last night they played in front of strangers, and he only dedicated one song. Confused, and hurting she ran out of the club after they played the last song. Before they went on stage, he came to talk to her, and she could cope. She told herself that she was over him. But after the dedication, she was so confused. She tried very hard, but she had to stare at him. And she looked straight into her eyes, into her soul the whole night. Around her the people danced, and cheered at the end of each song. Some of her friends were sitting at a table, watching everything, staying there for her benefit. She ran out before the end of the last song, when the seducing got too much. She hid when he ran after her in thought. She kept quiet on the way home, even when her friends asked her why he dedicated the song, or how she felt. She stared out the car window, trying to see through the rain. She gets wet anyway, and runs into her house, soaking wet. Walks around in the house, sees a clock, it's almost sunrise, she still can't sleep. His eyes are haunting her. The devil sitting on her shoulder creates a new image for her, another containing both of them, looking as happy as they were when they were so far away. He looks down from where he's sitting, smiles at her... "I'm very nervous, come and calm me down...', talking always works, she thinks, sitting down next to him. He lies down on the bed, and pretends to look very nervous. "Talking won't work, you sound like my mother. Lie down next to me..", and she obeys, lying down in his strong arms, head on his shoulder, feeling his hot breath on her forehead, his tense body next to her soft one, his arms around her. An angels and a devil sit on the windowsill, shaking hands on their wager, black-red and golden dust covering the two shy bodies laying still on the bed... They carry drums and guitars into the venue, she sets up the stands and arranges everything. Lights candles all over the place, dims the lights. She moves into the background as the fans pour in, and they start to play. Throughout the act he looks at her, but for one song. He closes his eyes and sings the only lovesong in the world.

She rolls over, changes channels with the remote and realises that there's nothing to watch. She switches the T.V. off with one smooth move, puts on some music, goes to sit in her shower to listen to it for the full effect... "You'll make this all go away... I just want something I can never have...". The pain returns, the pleasured memories return... "How can you turn me into this, just when you taught me how to kiss you..." Fleeting images of empty hallways, candles blowing out, someone crying out. The little girl runs through the passage, crying, someone took her doll. The insecurity returns, who the hell is she, where can she go now, what can she expect from him. After he broke her heart, they became really good friends. But a week or two before the concert, he started to phone her again, from payphones, and talk to her for hours. And before the concert he sat down talking to her, asking her when he'll see her again, etc. His sop-called girlfriend sat down with them, and he ignored the girlfriend. And when they went on stage, the girlfriend danced right in front, while she danced at the back. And he stared at her the whole night...

The crack in the wall is even bigger now, and it stretches across the ceiling as well. She takes some white mixture and applies it to the wound. There is just enough to cover the crack, to hide it from visibility. She puts on clean clothes, opens the door, steps outside. Takes a walk in the park. Sits on a bench in the park, starts to write in the book again... is there ever an end to the pain he causes" Maybe one day she can recover, or run far enough, hide away deep enough, for him never to find her again. People walk past, smile almost sympathetically, almost like they know what happened last night. To think, after all she's done for them, for him...

The girlfriend tries to talk to her, she tells the girlfriend how much she's missed hearing the band. Says that when it gets too much, she'll listen to the demo-tape, or read the lyrics. The girlfriend says, with a green voice, The girlfriend doesn't even have the lyrics, or a demo-tape. She says she's special... very special. The girlfriend says, in emerald voice, she must be... then the girlfriend pretends to lose interest in the conversation, tries to tell her something that will make the girlfriend seem important again, fails, walks away, pretending to look for someone, actually to sulk. She turns around and runs toward the stage, standing on the dancefloor, listening, singing along to all the words... "Satisfy my soul, I want you to know that I'm not here...", pain, memory fails and she has to smile. Later only will she ache again. People around her dance as if it's just another really rocking band, little do they know. And they all look so out of place. Where is the freakshow now? They would appreciate this much more than the crowd here would... And she stares up at him, to see him smiling at her, singing along, they would make a good duet, if she had the voice... she knows the songs as well as he does. Next song, her song... "This song is called... I'd like to dedicate it to...". "Can you believe it... is it really? Our friend...? the one we know...?"

And she can't even hear the questions. She can't hear anything but the music. She's dumbstruck, not even really realising what he said.

Halfway through the song, when she realises he's changed the lyrics, she knows that what she heard was true, he did dedicate it, she blushes embarrassed, and tries to hide her face. Fails. She has to look...

Where is he now, when she is all alone? What can he do now to inspire her, to make her write again, what can he do but make memories wash over her like a bucket of water? So many good and painful drops burn through her skin, melt away her brain till all that's left is a hole and a crack, remembering nothing, feeling nothing, thinking nothing. She tries to get up from the bench, and tries to make her way home. Forgets how. Gets lost, ends up at his house. Sits on the pavement, tries to write, forgets how. closes the book when she forgets how to read. The young girl tries to take the doll's dress off, but can't, throws it down, and plays with her shoelace. He comes out of the house, sees her, picks her up and carries her into the house, makes her watch T.V. while he sings in the background. She comes to, realises where she is. Gets up, wants to walk out, run away again. He runs after her, in reality this time, throws another bucket of memories into her face, it rots away her morality, she wants to grab him and tell him just what he's doing to her. He closes his eyes and sings the only lovesong in the world. Circus clowns come through the back door, and dance around them, juggling eggs and her ego. She sees the words written on the wall, and realises it means her. Mene, mene, tekel, upfarsin...