11 October 2008

Eight ways to avoid writing

Quote of the day:
This is like deja vu all over again.
- Yogi Berra


writing Annie compiled a fantastically funny list of 8 things to do to avoid writing over here, and then tagged me to do the same. It will be hard to top, but I can only try.

1. Clean your laptop. No, seriously, switch it off, unplug all the cables, and clean it, with a cotton bud (q-tip) and methylated spirit. If possible, remove every single key from your keyboard to ensure maximum penetration. Spend the next three days trying to rebuild your keyboard.

2. Decide that you are tired of no longer having a dedicated spot in the house where you can sit and write. Reshuffle all the furniture in the house 4 times in an attempt to create such a space. When you realise that the original configuration of the furniture was the most optimal, start planning where you want to build your very own writing room.

3. Obsess over writing huts used by real writers. Find as many pictures as you possibly can online to use for the planning of your own.

4. Realise that you simply do not understand architecture and building technologies well enough to plan your own writing hut. Research architectural principles, the building industry and all the bylaws in your city and country. Extend the research to other countries, just for interest sake, so you can do an informed comparison.

5.Decide that building a writing hut on your current property is simply not viable – there isn’t enough space. Make plans to relocate your family to a city that will be more conducive to writing. Vienna worked for Garp, surely it will help you too (especially because you won’t have the whores to distract you). Research life in all the major cities in the world.

6. Make lists. Remember all the things you have wanted to achieve in your life and make task lists for each of them. Then draw up complete execution plans for each, with deadlines.

7. Get depressed because you have missed so many opportunities in your life because of your own procrastination and you will never complete the lists you have created to help you fulfil your dreams. Plan a mourning party, where you and all your friends can mourn the death of dreams. Design the invitations and table settings, and work out all the party games, including the final ritual burning of the dreams.

8. Help your child(ren) to clean out her (their) cupboards, inspecting every single toy and piece of paper that comes out of said cupboards. Tell your child the story of each toy – when it was bought, who bought it, where it was bought and why. Then insist that 90% of the contents of the cupboard needs to be thrown/given away (to prepare for the move you planned in step 5)

This list was not difficult for me to compile either. I have been guilty of all of these and the ones on Annie’s list over recent weeks.

Please feel free to add to this list. Just leave me (and Annie) a comment with a link to your list  :)

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