31 March 2008

There are things...

There are things that chubby women probably just should not do. I should know, I am on the chubby side, if you want to be polite.

We probably should not jog without some serious support. The earth will move, and we will be left breathless by the incredible bouncing pendulums.

We probably should not do ballet. Fantasia was a cartoon, the reality is far scarier. We probably could do ballet, but I suspect arabesque penchée might cause some problems, and the grand jeté will just be earth-shattering. I suspect yoga is a safer move, in more ways than one.

We probably should not pose nude for Playboy. I like my curves, covered in graceful layers of fabric, discreetly hiding the rolls around my waist and bulges in other places, allowing me to suck in my stomach when a handsome man walks past while I smile and pretend I am Angelina Jolie. I like my breasts, propped up in a bra that can, for a moment, allow me to forget that I more closely resemble Venus of Willendorf than that other skinny one. However, just the thought of exposing my bulges to the world makes me reach for another chocolate bar.

We should not wear yellow. This one is not a probably, but a honest-to-chocolate truth.

And we should probably not attempt to groom parts of our body, especially with sharp instruments, that we are unable to see because of aforementioned rolls, bulges and breasts. We could, if we are prepared to maim ourselves, and donate some flesh and blood to the bathroom, but we probably shouldn't.

Image sources: Venus and Hippo

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